Well it’s been almost a week since I’ve had any contact with her, and I’m doing surprisingly okay. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, I thought ahead about how I might react to all this. So when I promised myself to avoid her for a while, I hid away our conversations saved in text. It’s still there, but now I don’t get the reminder every time I go to my messages. I also changed her contact name to “unnamed”, so I don’t have to have that reminder. Finally, I hid her on facebook so I didn’t have to see anything there. That’s right, I went all Guantanamo on the situation. I really want to fix this, so I had to really go overboard. The other reason I’m doing okay, is I haven’t been festering in my depression all week. Something went right in the universe, and I heard from a few friends for once. First was one of my friends that I don’t get to talk to often, because she works almost daily. Then there’s one of my best friends who usually responds to me a day or two later. This week, I guess he was feeling like just talking, so that’s been good, unexpected company. Then of course I had mentioned the girl that moved away. It was really good to hear from her after so long. It’s a shame I couldn’t see her more often, we were really good friends. Then tonight I went out for drinks with the only friend I have in this city, so that was nice. Without those people I probably would have driven myself crazy thinking about her. Lastly, as sappy as it sounds, everyone on here has been very supportive, and generally good for keeping my attention focussed. Thank you all for that.
Seeing as how things have been going this well, it’s almost a guarantee that I’m going to lose it this weekend. So that’ll be fun. Just because things are looking up now doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to leap over the pitfalls. The second I’m by myself and nobody is returning my texts, or answering my calls, I’ll get lonely and lose my mind again.
I’m at the point where I wish I could just meet someone so amazing that I’m okay with everything else. Whether I’m okay with Blondie dating some other guy or not, I’m still going to have to suffer through dozens of lonely nights. For christ’s sake my last date was in august. I miss having someone. Someone who lies her head on my shoulder when we’re just sitting there. Of course you all know who I want that to be. But even still it’s a special feeling that I haven’t felt in too long. For any Volbeat fans, you may have heard some music from their most recent album. The song that gets to me is Lola Montez. Besides being the catchiest goddamn song I’ve heard in forever, it kind of sums up what I want. Minus the vindictive stripper thing. The song’s about this amazing girl who can steal your heart by looking in your eyes (not literally of course). I want that. Scratch that, I’ve had that, many times. What I want is that without all the heartbreak. I’ve felt my share of that with terrible endings, including last week. Anyone who’s ever truly been in love knows exactly what I mean. The sight of the person literally takes your breath away, and all you want is their affection. The day I can forget about Blondie and go back to looking for that will be the best day of my life.